I don’t know much about affirmations except that they involve saying things that you know are not true over and over again until you believe they are. But a lot of people love them and I figured, what better place to start than in the high-risk maternity ward? Here are the ones getting me through the last 12 hours:

– 11 pm: You are on a staycation in a local 5-star hotel. Relaxation comes naturally to you. Everyone has your best interests at heart and only good things can happen.

– 11:30 pm: Everyone around you speaks English. You can understand the nurses perfectly. No crucial medical information is lost in translation. You are safe.

– 11:45 pm: Unpack your things. Take up room. You are beautiful and everyone loves you.

– 12:15 am: Your body is a warm, wet noodle. It molds and expands glutinously into the forgiving, soft curves of the hospital bed, allowing you to drift peacefully into a deep, dreamless sleep.

– 12:45 am: The woman down the hall going into a painful labor will soon settle down and you will return to a deep, dreamless sleep.

– 1:30 am: Your new roommate will soon finish opening several bags of potato chips, and you will return to a deep, dreamless sleep.

– 3:30 am: You have now gotten eight hours of sweet, uninterrupted rest. You deserve to get up and use the bathroom again.

– 4:30 am: You deserve to get up and use the bathroom as many times as you want. Your body is a temple.

– 6:00 am: The alarm your chip-loving roommate set will soon turn off and you will return to a deep, dreamless sleep.

– 8:00 am: The woman who comes to draw your blood will easily find a prominent, pulsing vein full of life in your elbow and will not need to burrow into the back of your hand. You love everyone and everyone loves you.

– 8:30 am: The tuna at the breakfast bar is cool and refreshing. It has not sat out for several hours at room temperature. It nourishes and strengthens you.

– 9:00 am: The fetal nonstress test monitors rest comfortably on your stomach and stay in place of their own accord. The ultrasound gel is warm, does not get on your clothes, and comes off with only one wad of paper towels.

– 9:45 am: Love flows through your body, healing dis-ease. Poop flows through your rectum, free of effort or strain.

– 10:00 am: Poop flows through your rectum, free of effort or strain.

– 10:05 am: Poop flows through your rectum, free of effort or strain.

– 10:10 am: Trying to poop does not give you premature contractions. Wellness is the natural state of your body and you are pain free and in sync with the universe. Your body is a natural generator of life, the construction of a god who makes no mistakes.

– 10:12 am: You did not pinch the fuck out of your finger flushing the toilet. Your healing is already in process.

– 10:30 am: Back in bed, as you drift off to sleep, you feel at home in your physical being. By bringing life into the world, you embody the Eternal Mother. Throughout this pregnancy, you connect naturally and intimately with your feminine forebears, only 1/3 of whom died in childbirth.

– 11am: Time for an ultrasound. Your life gets more fabulous every day.