10 Things I Am Not Giving Up Just Because I’m “Pregnant”

Dear friends and family,

We are very happy to be joined in March 2023 by not one but two new little lifeforms. I just want to say that the last three months of pregnancy were absolutely awful, but now that they’re over and I can tell everyone I’m expecting, I just wanted to clear up a few things so we can avoid some awkward questions over the next six months. Here are 10 things I’m definitely not stopping just because I’m “pregnant.”

1. Eating sushi – I understand that eating raw or undercooked fish poses the risk of foodborne illness, but I have never known anyone to get sick from eating sushi. Salad and ice cream, however, are responsible for at least two recent deaths from listeria. The risk seems clear – avoid salad, eat sushi and ice cream.
2. Eating deli meat – Processed meat is bad for you for so many reasons that are unrelated to toxoplasmosis, whatever that is. Again, I have never even read in the news about someone getting sick from deli meat, so the risk strikes me as absurdly low.
3. Cleaning the the litter box – This is just silly. Even if I stopped cleaning the litter box, my cat’s shitty paws are constantly all over my kitchen table, countertops, and pillows. What, am I supposed to do something about that, too?
4. Taking baths – Supposedly taking a bath when you’re pregnant could be dangerous because it might heat your core body temperature beyond 101 degrees Celsius. It may also be dangerous because bacteria could get into your vagina and make you sick. I’ve had dozens of ghastly vaginal infections, but never from taking a bath, per se, if you know what I mean.
5. Light drinking – Nobody wants a child to suffer from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome – that goes without saying. But European women commonly drink lightly in their pregnancy and everybody knows Europeans are smarter than Americans. Besides, I have always found children with small palpebral fissures to be quite cute. Exhibit A: Greta Thunberg.
6. Driving without my seatbelt on – I know a guy who knows a guy who was wearing his seatbelt, got in a car crash, and went into a ditch. He couldn’t escape the car because his seat belt got stuck and he burned to death. Also, do you walk around with a safety bubble around your body? No. Well, the babies do. If we get rear-ended, the baby has amniotic fluid and I’ve got an airbag.
7. Secondhand smoke – Yes I am completely aware that cigarettes are carcinogenic, but the human genome has 6.4 billion letters. I’d have to walk backwards through a LOT of my own exhalations just to inhale enough secondhand smoke to make a noticeable difference in the genes.
8. Sniffing solvents – Avoiding gasoline, wet paint, and glue is recommended during pregnancy because of the so-called solvents that can cause nausea, dizzinesss, and headaches. You know what else causes those? Pregnancy. I’ve been enjoying the lacquered zing of permanent markers my entire adult life, don’t stop me now.
9. Believing everything I read – I recently learned that Jewish space lasers are causing wildfires, and I have just one question: How do I get in on this? The internet actually turns out to be a great place to pick up interesting facts about Jews that I didn’t learn during my conversion. I want to make sure to pass on as much of my adopted cultural heritage as I can to our own little extraterrestrials.
10. Having fun – It takes Google less than half of one second to return 1,680,000,000 results on “things not to do when pregnant.” That’s more results than letters in the human genome. Instead of listening to the “experts,” who still wear two masks sitting out in a field, I’m going to listen to my body first and foremost and try to get just a little enjoyment out of the next six months. You got a problem with that, just go ahead and call animal control and see if they care.

Thanks for reading. Please enjoy a sneak peak at next week’s post, My Baby Shower Gift Registry:

1. Newborn diapers
2. Infant pajamas with two head holes
3. Sharpies